I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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