I accidentally had phone sex last night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
