I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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