I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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