like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh god it's open bar.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
