she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
