this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
