this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
