my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
