I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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