It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Randomize
