Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Girls should come with a carfax report
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize