My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't deserve a penis
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
