You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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