she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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