i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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