i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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