I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
please come you make the beer taste better
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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