I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
