So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
