We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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