I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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