I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
