i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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