We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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