She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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