Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
