I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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