youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
they need to just BURY HIM!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
