i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
