last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
