i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
