pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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