at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
