Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
