Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
