Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
