She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize