did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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