There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize