I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
