Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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