I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
