And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
