she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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