If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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