i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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