I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize