Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
