How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize