If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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