she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
