He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
