the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
