Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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