just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
