I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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