ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
