Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
