1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
